Pain Is Safety
by Full of Ennui
Summary: A Thalia/Luke songfic, Thalia's PoV. She just can't get over him... even now. Even after all he's done. For all her life at Camp Half-Blood, she had loved him, and she'd never known that he'd felt the same way about her. And now it's breaking her heart.


**Pain Is Safety**

**Emotions Are Dangerous**

**A/N: **I enjoy writing songfics. I hope you enjoy reading them! This one is Thalia/Luke in Thalia's point of view. She just can't stand that he left them like that, left _her_ like that, and it's breaking her heart.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Percy, Nico, or Luke... -sob-

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_

She really shouldn't have been surprised. She should have known it would happen.But all the same, it came as a shock. And it felt like the one shock that she could never let go of.  
_ Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow  
_

She'd loved him so much. She'd never known that he'd loved her back. She had just enjoyed being around him. She'd barely been able to stand his feelings of depression after he'd finished the quest. He had been so very excited about it, and then she'd gone and gotten turned into a pine tree and messed everything up for him and all the other campers.

_ I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you  
_

He'd turned bitter after she was turned into a pine tree, never forgiving the gods for letting her die. And when she'd returned to human form, he'd expected her to follow him over to the dark side. She'd refused, and he had been so angry and sad that she had barely been able to stand it. She had almost changed sides just to make him feel better. And now she couldn't stop him from destroying the world, destroying her friends, destroying the camp that she had lived in for so long and had enjoyed so much, destroying the gods that had brought them into existence.

_ Can't you see that you're smothering me  
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control_

_Cause everything that you thought I would be_

_Has fallen apart right in front of you_

He had wanted her on his side, and the one time that she didn't want to hear it, he had confirmed that he had loved her. And now she couldn't do anything about it. Every time he sneered at them during their quest, it was like needles in her heart. Every time he parried her thrust using the moves that he'd taught her in swordfighting, it was like knifes at her wrists. And every time he laughed that high, mirthless laugh, it was like a dagger in her veins. When he'd fought her at Mount Tam, it was like a slash in her neck.

_ Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow  
And every second I waste is more than I can take  
_

It was so ironic, because the thing that she wanted most in the world was to be close to him again, to be able to be friends with him and be in love with him without feeling guilty, to fall for him shamelessly, and the thing that she dreaded worst was becoming like him, killing innocents, murdering her friends without flinching. And she could never have one without the other, and it was killing her.

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

She could never have one without the other, and it was killing her. _He _was killing her. If she wanted to be able to be in love with him again, she'd have to accept the worst with the best. A thorn on a rose... more like a poisonous thorn on a beautiful rose. She'd have to kill her friends. He'd use her to take down the gods, and then he'd dispose of her, as she became more and more depressed. She'd end up just where she'd started, sitting here in her cabin at camp, her head in her hands, thinking about him and how she could have changed things if she'd just tried harder.

_And I know  
I may end up failing too  
But I know  
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you_

She could have changed everything. She could have stopped him from becoming so bitter, so cold, if she'd just stood by him and convinced him. She could have persuaded him... and it was too late now, far too late.

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
Become so tired so much more aware  
I'm becoming this all I want to do  
Is be more like me and be less like you_

The story of her life.

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be_

_I've become so numb I can't feel you there  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be_

The act was over, the play was done. She couldn't pretend to be this character anymore. It just wasn't her. It just wasn't.

Sighing, Thalia stood up and walked away. This day wasn't going to get better, and neither was her life. She just had to deal with it... like with Luke. Like with everything. Like always.


End file.
